Backseat Nightmares: I Married a Dog by Michelle Polaris

I married a dog. But that’s okay, I’m one too. No, I’m not talking about my or my dearest hubby’s looks or any habit of straying from the marital farmyard. And I’m not talking about the unflattering propensity I have to turn into a bitch once a month when hormonal. I’m talking Chinese astrological signs. I married a man born the same year as me and between the two of us we pretty much cover the bases of solid dog attributes.

The Chinese New Year just happened, falling on Valentine’s Day this time around. Accordingly, I thought it appropriate to discuss the love between two dogs. Dogs aren’t particularly sexy animals, so my astrological sign doesn’t tickle the erotic romance author in me who thinks being a dragon or a tiger sounds much more tantalizing. Although Charlaine Harris has that sexy shifter Sam in her Sookie Stackhouse vampire stories who turns into a dog as his other form. He manages to be solid and dependable (hence doglike) as well as sexy. So maybe there’s hope.

What traits are we dogs supposed to embody? Loyalty—check on both our parts. Faithfulness—check as well. Honesty—double check. Dogs are unpretentious—double check for me as well as hubby. (I buy maybe one pair of shoes a year and wear them until they disintegrate. Same for clothes. I love hand me downs even though I’m a grown-up. My husband would wear scraps of cloth if I’d let him. Neither of us has interest in classy or racy cars. And my husband would rather trade down than up as far as our homestead is concerned, buying a boat and living on it year round if he had his preference. There’s no such thing as keeping up with the Joneses in our household.) Dogs can sometimes be shy at social gatherings and are often perceived as being cold or distant at these events. (Really, it’s just shyness. We’re not judging anyone else.) This is a definite yes for my husband and usually true for me as well. Dogs tend to be good listeners. (Okay, check for me but not my husband. Sorry dear.) Gregarious personalities love us because we’ll just sit and absorb their blather.

Dogs are born worriers—double check. Give me a subject and I’m more than happy to find a way to worry about it. Thankfully, this is getting less pronounced in my old age. My husband is a quieter worrier, but just as bad. He doesn’t always know he’s doing it. But because of that worry dogs can sometimes bark and bite at those around them—check for me (blushing with shame).

My hubby fits the characteristic of becoming highly critical of others who do not share his same highly developed sense of honor and duty. But no matter how judgmental with loved ones who raise his dander, he always remains devoted—a big time dog trait. Dogs guard against the wrongs of society and can be relied upon to speak up for the disenfranchised and downtrodden. I like to imagine that this mindset led me to choose my other non-writing career of social work. I write about bigotry and injustice in a number of my stories as well.

Another reference calls dogs selfish, terribly stubborn and eccentric. In parts this fits both me and my husband. But it’s all about context, right? Dogs care little for wealth—check, but somehow manage to have money. That’s the resourcefulness. Well, we’re not rolling in it, but I can report we have everything we truly need in life. Another Wikipedia reference tells me our element is earth, our color is turquoise and our gemstone diamond. Oh, and our lucky number is nine. (Better go play the lottery.) Our allies are the tiger and horse and our foes the dragon. (Damn, they’re so sexy).

Not only do I and my husband share the sign of the dog, but we were born on each other’s exact half birthdays, making us the opposite western zodiac signs, both of which are fairly solid, dependable types.

All I can say is the marriage works. When two worrying, introverted, stubborn, pessimistic, cynical people live together, they keep it going with their very reliable, persistent, resourceful, honest, loyal and amicable natures. It’s like the human version of a building’s cornerstone. We’re sunk deep into the mud with each other. Solid, lasting, true. I love my husband—that dog.